linda may

I am home after 10 days with my parents. It is so nice to be home. I feel relieved but also uncomfortable, and still worried about my parents. I am off my routine, haven’t exercised in nearly a week, haven’t meal planned or grocery shopped. I’m feeling guilty for leaving before my mom is home from the hospital, and generally tired, uninspired, and just in recovery mode from a week of hospital cafeteria food. The scale tells me I’ve gained 5 pounds. I just want to curl up in bed and watch TV with my kids. I went way over our food budget for February, and I feel my no-spend resolve weakening.

March 3 I throw away a 25% off coupon mailer from Athleta. Lunch at home.

March 4 Training at work. Breakfast, coffee and lunch provided!

March 5 Food cart lunch, veggie burrito & horchata, $17.50

March 6 Today is the day I make the final payment to the credit card we used last May for my daughter’s oral surgery. One less debt to pay every month feels great! So far this year I’ve managed to put $5,000 towards our consumer debt, and not buying stuff is definitely helping.

March 7 I pack my lunch and drink Work Coffee.

March 8 Another food cart lunch, Korean Bento, no beverage, $17.50.

After work I stop by Whole Foods for a few items – I rarely shop here but it’s close to my office. My grocery items gathered in my basket, I casually stroll down the personal care aisle as though I have any business shopping for lotion and hair products… and that’s when I see it. The most beautifully packaged face cleanser. Something about it is calling to me. The bottle is textured glass. It has a pump dispenser. It glitters. It is pink, green and gold. It is a locally made brand. It costs $13.99. What a coincidence, I have $13.99 in my bank account! And more! And, oh wait, I also have 1, 2, no, 3 tubes of facial cleanser at home. But, one of them really dries out my skin, let’s not count that one. And one of them is in my travel kit, I need to save that for travel. But that still leaves the final, perfectly good, really still more than half full, face cleanser I just used this morning. There’s no getting around it. I am really, truly, just not allowed to buy this thing. It is a Stuff I am Not Allowed To Buy.

The compulsion passes, and I take a photo of it, thinking maybe I will come back and buy it another day, when I finally run out of face wash. Now as I write, the photo makes me think of something else – the real discomfort I experienced and withstood for a good 3 minutes in the store. How I bargained with myself. I even thought, I can just buy it and not talk about it. I don’t have to put it in my blog, which hardly anybody reads anyway. No one ever has to know I bought this $13.99 face wash. Who even cares? Well, apparently, I do. I somehow managed to walk away. The photo is proof that I can see a thing I like, and I don’t have to purchase it. It is proof I can be stronger than a momentary urge to impulse shop.