February 13: Today is the day it happens: I have a shopping urge. I am getting dressed for work and feel annoyed with my clothing, thinking all my shirts are old and worn out and boring. I have six pairs of jeans but wish I had a better pair. Thoughts like “Why can’t I have anything nice?” and “You really need to throw everything out and start over,” enter my brain. I go to grab a vest (purchased only months ago) from the coat closet and think how nice it would be to have a “better” vest, in a nice bright poppy red color. I start to think about which stores contain these coveted items. And then the thoughts pass without turning into actual shopping. I eat the leftover curry I virtuously packed for my lunch.
February 14: I join mom’s cardiology appointment by phone, discussing plans for her upcoming surgery. Courtney & I have lunch on the company to celebrate all the hard work of a successful Go-live week and plan for continued change on our teams. I tuck the leftovers away for tomorrow. I go to Starbucks after work for the first time in ages, for hot chocolate. $5. On impulse I grab 2 $10 gift cards for the kids as a Valentine’s Day gift. I stop at Whole Foods to grab a few valentines treats for Nate & the kids.
February 15: My work day starts with a tough meeting – the worst. But I don’t stress shop or buy a latte – I stick with my leftovers lunch and some Work Coffee. Then, right around lunch time I check my email to find, lo & behold, my STUDENT LOANS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN! All $74,379.05 I owed from grad school. Over the past 5 years I applied and was denied, was told I had to consolidate my loans because they were “the wrong kind of loans” for forgiveness, had to submit and resubmit applications to Nelnet, and then submit and resubmit paperwork to Mohela (most recently because they woudn’t accept a digital signature from my HR department), made so many phone calls, and sat on hold for hours to get the system to work. But now I’m free, after 16 years of public service. Not only that, but I’ll be getting my last 2 payments refunded.
It’s funny, but having a really hard morning at work, and having something wonderful happen: both experiences triggered thoughts like, “You deserve a really delicious latte,” and, “You should treat yourself. You deserve it!” Rather than experiencing the emotion or a reflection about the moment – I so easily jump into consumption. A latte, or a new sweater: both are almost like a punctuation to any emotional experience; a validation, consolation prize, a $6 or $61.99 pat on the back.
February 16: A wonderful Friday at work – our team retreat. Lunch included! I am noticing the abundance of on-the-job food where I work and feeling grateful for that this week. My team feels really connected. We sing Bohemian Rhapsody karaoke together.
February 17: Nate is out of town on business and I get to spend some time with the kids. My son is attending a friend’s birthday party – $24 at the toy store, and I cave in and get both kids a very little something: $9. Lunch at our favorite Thai & Vietnamese bistro. $52 – and we have the leftovers for dinner and snuggle up to watch The Sound of Music. Last weekend I had advertised bubble tea as a coming attraction (it has been months since we bought this favorite treat) so walk into to our favorite teahouse – greeted by the single best smell in the world when we walk in; it’s like swimming through a fragrant pot of warm chai, combined somehow with the smell of a crackling fire and a musty but inviting old armchair. Probably emanating from the crackling fire and collection of musty but inviting old armchairs.
February 18: Catching up on my finances, I realize with alarm that we are approaching the limit on our food & drink budget, only 2/3 through the month. I would feign surprise but we have gone out numerous times in the past week or two (almost, one might say, like someone who wasn’t trying to save money). Hoping my $100 grocery order will last us through the week (knowing for a fact it won’t) I re-resolve to meal prep for the week, with no more restaurants until March.
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