linda may

In a word, yes. During the months of November and December, we get to continue to manage our everyday lives while surrounded by constant reminders to shop. We may be preparing to host guests, prepare large scale holiday meals, decorate our homes inside and out, and meet competing demands to attend holiday events, where we feel the expectation to be a sparkling conversationalist, spreading holiday cheer! There is also somehow an expectation that we have squirreled away a few extra thousand dollars to buy piles of gifts for everyone we know and that we will spend hours carefully wrapping these items with gorgeous, expensive wrapping paper and a lovely giant bow.

If you are feeling holiday stress, please know this is not a character defect. It’s all programming. Truly. American culture is a consumer culture whose apex is the Christmas holiday. We receive media messages throughout the year that not only would our lives be better if we purchased a certain product or service, but that actually, we are really not quite good enough without it. At Christmastime these messages are amplified, leading over one-third of Americans to take on holiday debt – on average about $1,549.

Meanwhile, here is what is happening in our brains: we have memories and emotions stored of holidays past, the good and the bad, just waiting to pop up and greet us at the least opportune moment. Casserole didn’t turn out as you’d hoped? That never would have happened to your Aunt June, who always laid the perfect holiday table. Perhaps you remember a wonderful Christmas you spent with an ex-, and you’re single this year. This comparison process happens on repeat in our brains throughout the holidays, stealing what we believe should be our holiday joy. We feel expectations from every quarter – real or imagined. For parents, we feel the brimming expectations of our children at the holidays so powerfully we will often take on debt rather than risk their disappointment.

And here’s the kicker – your most difficult family dynamics? Your experiences of loss, or abandonment, your fears of not belonging – these are all likely to be triggered at family events, where alcohol consumption decreases inhibition and people – often unwittingly – play out old family stories and roles, without realizing how hurtful the old stories actually are. Set alongside high expectations of experiencing “holiday joy” and closeness with loved ones, and it’s the perfect setup for disappointment and emotional pain.

So here are some suggestions to limit your holiday stress:
1. Figure out where you can say no: Are there holiday events or gift exchanges that don’t bring you joy but just feel like obligations? Graciously decline.
2. Let one another off the hook, collectively: Talk with friends and family about your feelings of holiday stress. Odds are, they are feeling it too. Explore new ways to approach the holiday with intention together: what if this year you agree to forego gifts exchanges and donate a modest amount to a certain charity? What if you all came up with an idea to volunteer at a local shelter together?
3. Limit your media inputs: Can you turn off the radio during your commute in December? Can you limit your social media time? How else can you reduce your exposure to the pressures of consumerism?
4. If gift giving is important to you, set and stick to a budget: Decide ahead of time not to be part of the above statistic of Americans saddled with holiday debt! Consider creating homemade gifts if you love crafting or baking, that recipients will know come from the heart.
5. Revisit your values: Take a few minutes to write down your most deeply held values and your purpose in life. Maybe “faith, family and integrity” are 3 of your values, and your purpose in life is to “raise creative kids,” or “live life simply and with love.” How will you embody these values and your purpose during this holiday season? When we intentionally remind ourselves of our core values, they can be a powerful filter for what we really want in our lives.
6. Connect meaningfully: Spend time with a friend just catching up. While an excess of social events can create anxiety around the holidays, isolation during the holidays is shown to increase feelings of sadness and depression, especially for those with mental health conditions. While shutting ourselves away and being a hermit can be a tempting way to cope with holiday stress, research shows that the quality of our relationships is really the most influential factor for our mental health. So stay connected.